The two words that surface too often in my morning journal these days are overwhelmed and scattered. They are not feelings I am used to in retirement, where our lifestyle had settled into more routine (and fun) activities. Yes there were challenges in dealing with life transitions, but not the feeling of the overwhelm and scattered.
On the positive side of things, I am continuing my habit of morning journaling. I began using this “morning pages” tool after reading about it early in my retirement years in The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. To me my morning writing is a combination of celebration and contemplation. It’s my morning meditative quiet time. Sometimes it’s my inner voice having a conversation with my inner critic, or my inner support voice trying to come through. I will capture my dreams,(or nightmares these days) if I recall them. I often include an emotional assessment or a body scan or a simple, “how are you feeling?” And in all of that, right now, the feeling of being overwhelmed, scattered, or frustrated seems to be the common theme.
It’s soon going to be six months since the dual hurricanes disrupted our life. Moving on seems to be taking so much longer than I had hoped. Yes, I had high expectations. But it’s a slow slog. And totally out of my control. Some of the more frustrating and overwhelming slogs in the last couple of weeks (in probably too much detail!):
- After three visits to the Building Department (wait times varied from 30 minutes to an hour and a half to talk to someone – they do not return phone calls nor emails) where I went from, “everything is fine with your demo permit request” (visit 1) to “no, you’re missing three things” (visit 2), to “we cannot issue the full house demo until you fix the internal items that didn’t pass inspection on the mitigation demo permit.” What?!?
- Here’s the scenario…. At day 4 post hurricane, we had no idea what the plan would be so we did an internal mitigation demo to prevent mold formation. The Building Department insisted that anyone who did this (many houses in town – mold is a really bad thing to deal with, so lots did immediate mitigation demos) needed to do an “after the fact” internal demo permit. The Building Department sent someone to inspect the internal mitigation demo and our house did not “pass” because we are not going to spend money to “fix” things (like the internal electrical) when we now need to tear the house down. Because it’s been declared Substantively Damaged, we can either elevate it (not technically possible) or tear down and rebuild (our plan). But the clerk insisted we could NOT get a tear-down demo permit until we passed the after-the-fact demo permit. Yes, she insisted we pay an electrician to have electrical fixed in a house to get the permit to tear that same house down. What?!? No, we are not paying an electrician to fix electric in a house that has no electricity going into it (already removed for the demo). My voice got louder and louder on visit three with the clerk who would not understand the stupidity of the request; it was loud enough that another clerk over-heard and agreed it was stupid, came over and with a couple of clicks released my whole house demo permit. Net, 4 weeks, thee visits, one amazingly incompetent clerk, and a lot of frustration.
- And while we did get the permit in February, it is now mid-March and the house is not demo-ed (is that even a word). We are “on the list.” I keep reminding myself there is not really a rush to do it, but it’s one more thing to still have on the not-done list.
- Another example causing overwhelm. The lack of speed on flood insurance combined with the “system” has been mind-boggling. The hurricane flooding was on September 26. The adjuster was scheduled to come the day before the second hurricane hit (14 days after the flood) and so cancelled. The reschedule was another 3 weeks out post hurricane 2, at which point I was way back on her list. In fact, she told me she had over 100 houses on her list, as a third-party adjuster to multiple insurance companies. I had to submit the contents information to her three times as first, the forms she supplied me that I had to use got corrupted on filing, and then she changed the request on how to submit the photos. She finally submitted the report on our house to our insurance company on December 29th, without ever sharing it with me. There were glaring errors. So that put us into “supplemental reporting” and again, to the back of the list. Well, that supplemental has been filed (just days ago – early March), but no, I’ve not seen the report to know if she fixed all the errors! That is the system – adjuster reviews notes when you come up in her pile, asks for information again, report written, filed, approved, and then shared with homeowner along with what they will pay you, homeowner starts adjuster over as there are errors, repeat steps.
- I’ll start this overwhelm example on a positive note. We have an elevated floor plan we’ve approved! It only took four rounds of reviews and comments which I’m told is quick. We received the electrical plan (first element of the mechanicals needed to build) and our builder said we will meet to review and align. I gave him many possible times on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday to meet to do this, recognizing I would cancel/reschedule anything that doesn’t cost to cancel (ex. Not doctor appointment, therapist appointment). He said Saturday afternoon, and so I changed Saturday plans. On Saturday morning he texted he had a “dog medical emergency”. I’m trying hard to be sympathetic, but we are now another week down the path, without the electrical conversation even planned.
- There’s also our FEMA review pending (for over 6 weeks) and now the huge FEMA personnel reduction. We were approved, but they need to review paperwork and release the funds. Now less reviewers. And another question is, will there be any funds now?
- And then this week, our dog-sitter, who I had confirmed with twice (once before booking our late March get-away trip and again after booking) told us, 2 weeks before the trip, that she cannot dog-sit our dog any longer. So, just one more thing on my to-do list – find an alternative. Small thing, but feels overwhelming.
So, there’s some examples of the overwhelm. The scattered? I’m trying to get back to living life, which is planning and doing things I love to do. I’m trying to fit in my live-life activities – cardio drumming, garden club events, book clubs, reading the books for book clubs, dates with hubby, blogging including writing a blog – in between continuing to manage the house recovery and the erratic nature of that (when will I need to bring the house demo check to the site, when will we have electrical review, what other reviews will be needed, did I get all the right paperwork submitted to all the right places). Another element of scattered is It had gotten to the point (pre-hurricanes) that friends expect me to plan things and are now asking about it. “What’s happening in March? What are you planning?” I feel guilty for not planning the shuffleboard afternoon, the dinner date, the Rowdies soccer game, or the girl’s day trip.
If you’ve been following my hurricane recovery (links here and here for a couple of blogs), you will recognize the emotional ups and downs continue. I am now seeing a trauma therapist, which is helping (but yeah, schedule that in with everything else!). We’ve secured our rental for “as long as we need it.” (Thank you, amazing landlady!) We have a builder. We have a floor plan, survey, and geo testing complete. We have a demo permit.
So, just like in regular living, retirement living, or post-hurricane living, there ARE ups! It’s about focusing on the ups to ease the overwhelm, giving myself the grace to say no to things to ease the scattered feeling, and venting the frustration!
How was your week?
Photo credit: a beach sunset one evening – simple date with hubby.
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