Retirement Sparks: Euphemisms and Idioms

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A recent TV program on political
scandals reminded me of a euphemism that was popular during one of those
scandals. Former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford had gone to Argentina to
spend time with his mistress. Their relationship had been a secret up until
then. He told his staff that he would be hiking the Appalachian Trail. When his
affair came to light, the phrase: “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” became a
euphemism for having an extramarital affair.

I love that expression! It’s a civil
way to say something critical. It set me to wondering what other clever
euphemisms and idioms I had forgotten about or never known. (Idioms also aren’t
direct, but they’re not always nice.) A few are political, but not all. We have
Southern culture to thank for many of these colorful colloquialisms, a lot of
which feature farm animals.

Here are some of my favorites. This
one was used recently by a member of Congress to criticize a budget proposal.
He said it was a “Pig’s Breakfast.” That was new to me. I looked it up. It’s a
Southernism for an unappealing mixture, a mess.

A crossword puzzle answer that was
also new to me was “Goat Rodeo.” It describes something that has gone totally
wrong, an ultimate SNAFU. I immediately pictured said rodeo and it was easy to
imagine it going totally wrong, no mater how cute the little goatees were. I’m
waiting to hear a member of Congress describe a session of that august body as
a goat rodeo. There will likely be many opportunities. “That dog won’t hunt”
was also in a recent puzzle, meaning that an idea or approach is destined to
fail. If that phrase hasn’t been used yet in Congress, you can bet it will be
eventually.

Another of my favorites is “The
Full Monty.” It first came across my radar via a movie of that title. The
expression originated as the shortened version of the “Full Montgomery,” the big
English breakfast favored by British General Bernard Montgomery. By the time of the movie in 1997,
it had come to be a euphemism for “total nudity.” Today it’s used broadly to
mean the most
that you can have or achieve, or more simply: the works.

We can thank Texas for a refined
way to say someone brags shamelessly about his non-existent wealth or assets.
“He’s all hat and no cattle” is a phrase you’ve probably heard. Credit to the
late Roger Moore in a Hallmark movie for the female equivalent: “All fur coat
and no knickers.”

Staying with farm animals and Southernisms,
I like the polite way to let a man know his fly is down. “The
barn door’s open and the mule’s trying to run.” It was new to me, and I’ll be
on the lookout for an opportunity to use it. Also likely from the South, here’s
a colorful way to say someone is cheap. “He’ll squeeze a nickel till the
buffalo screams” is much more evocative than calling someone a
“penny-pincher.”

Instead of saying someone looks
tired, say he looks like he has “one wheel down and the axle dragging.”
It’s very likely Southern, but I can’t say for certain. Ditto for using “the
green apple two-step” as a euphemism for diarrhea. The last in this trio sounds
very Southern to me, as a way to say there’s a problem. “A yellow jacket in the
outhouse” is certainly something a person doing the green apple two-step would
rather not hear!

There are dozens of idioms for saying
someone is not very smart. You’ve probably heard most of them; I had, but new
to me was: “She’s one bubble off plumb.” Not new to me, the following: “One
brick short of a load.” “Not playing with a full deck.” “Two tacos short of a
combination platter.” “Doesn’t have both oars in the water.” “The elevator
doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.” “The lights are on but nobody’s home.”
In the South, it’s “The porch lights are on…” There are many more ways to say
someone isn’t smart, but this list should more than meet your needs.

Euphemisms and idioms are all
around us. As soon as I put this essay to bed, I’m sure I’ll come across
several more I would have wanted to include. Start your own collection!