The Ups & Downs of Emotional Recovery Continue – retirementtransition

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This week continued my emotional healing process. With no forward motion yet on the house recovery, the emotional healing is definitely feeling up and down.

There’s been multiple times where my inner voice says, “Why bother?” Why bother getting out of bed? Why bother trying to plan something that won’t work out? Why bother trying to push through on another build obstacle? I see more properties going up for sale as others stop fighting the systems and give up. And aother friend is moving out of town. But I push through. It may be after a few hours curled up in a fetal position crying, but I am still pushing through.

Comments on my last post (link here) provided me with support, perspective, and guidance. I realized that I often use writing to help drive clarity for myself, as even this blog post is doing. The term “fringe friend” was used and I love it, both for the alliteration and for the reality of it. I am back to where I was a year ago, in accepting the reality versus the fantasy of friendship. I have many “casual friends” locally and am very grateful for them. I do have tribes where I might not be the center, but I am definitely on the periphery. I read these lines this week about being on the periphery: “Not excluded, but not essential. Rarely the first one picked, but never the last. Not overlooked, but not always noticed.” So, I am in the tribe, but on the fringe. I’m.a fringe friend, and that is OK I will continue to work on deepening some of those friendships with intentional connections.

I mentioned to someone the other day that I seem to have lost a year, and he agreed we all have. The hurricane recovery has simply wiped out a year for many of us. I am back a year in my personal development. And unfortunately, back to the struggles I was dealing with a year ago – friendship reality, travel anxiety, and learning to be my authentic self. It’s disheartening to realize I’ve made no progress on these areas this past year.

This week there were some reminders to help with the reality of friendship and the acceptance of my authentic self.

The reminder that I am the one putting meaning on other’s actions and words. When I am not asked to join in an activity, I am the one putting meaning on it! I think, I’m not worthy. I think, they don’t like me. I think, I’m really not part of the group. I react to the meaning I’m putting on the situation!
The reminder that I need to focus on my values and realize that in many situations, I am not interested in joining in. I am not a go-out-to-the-bar-for-drinks person. I am not a go-out-every-night-with-the-girls person either. I like my quiet solitary time. I like spending time with my hubby. I might never be in the center of a tribe because it’s not really authentic to me.
The reminder, pointed out after my last blog post by a number of people, that others do value my presence, my words, my contributions. Even from the fringe.
The recognition that I really do not want to learn to play pickleball or mahjong. These feel like the new “golf and bridge” for retirees! And I didn’t want to do either of those things either. I like my book club conversations, my exercise classes, and my occasional beach walks. That’s my authentic self.

Ups and downs. Working on an unexpected summer project for my garden club where I can lose myself in the work as it fits well with my innate skill set. A distraction, perhaps. But, also a feeling of accomplishment. Continuing to do things I love to do: cardio drumming, yoga, reading, crosswords. Recognizing I can’t control the weather and the planned beach shelling at sunset with moonrise just was not going to happen with major thunderstorms every evening. And that was OK; accepting that change of plans without spiraling negative. Pushing down the travel anxiety (we leave tomorrow on a mini-trip). Keeping hope alive on a building permit issuance (in the near future, fingers crossed). Just the ups and downs of life these days.

A paraphrase from one of the inspirational reading this week: “I am strong enough to face whatever comes my way. Tenacity is my middle name.” And so I get myself up and push through.

Any ups or downs in your life you’d like to share?

Picture: My lit candle during a recent tarot reflection. A light in the darkness.