Retirement Sparks: Random Musings

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May Retirement Sparks

Some of you may remember the sketch
Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey on Saturday Night Live. That spoof inspired
my column for this month: Random Musings.
I’ve reached the age when I lie awake at night musing about all sorts of random
topics. I’ve collected some of them for this essay, randomly, of course.

The other evening I was struggling
to decide if it’s a kerfuffle or a kerfluffle. My bedtime brain doesn’t have
spellcheck, so I didn’t know that Word would underline kerfluffle in red. I can
see that now, but I’ve already moved on to other musings.

I’m aware that the animal known as
the ship of the desert is the camel, but isn’t that usually depicted with one
hump? That would make it a dromedary. The ship needs two humps to be called a
camel. This of course means that the cigarette brand of that name actually has
a dromedary on the package. You probably knew this already.

Moving right along… is the Hokey
Pokey really “what it’s all about”? And if so, why? And can’t words really hurt
as much as sticks and stones?

Who decided there would only be two
choices in winter hand coverings—mittens and five-finger gloves? Why isn’t
there an option with three channels—thumb, index and middle finger together,
and the two smallest fingers together? Or thumb, index finger, and the last
three fingers together?

Why do we assume that the first one
to smell it did it?

I wonder if the estates of the four
female leads in The Golden Girls get
residuals for all those reruns on the Hallmark channel. I’ve watched some of
them multiple times. The show is on just about every day, even more often than Murder She Wrote, and that series has
just one female lead who would be entitled to residuals.

I’m only half way through this and
you should already be able to see how truly random my musings are. And this is
even without a glass of wine.

Eggs are sold by the dozen. Golf
balls are sold that way, too. Muffin tins have twelve compartments. So why do
we rate things on a scale of one to ten? What’s worse, sometimes one is the
best rating and sometimes ten is. Bo Derek was a 10 in the movie of that name.
Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Competition is always the number 1
dog. It’s all so confusing.

We hear a lot about AI now. It
usually means Artificial Intelligence. With all my aches and pains, it’s more
likely to mean the generics Acetaminophen and Ibuprofen for me. And my chronic
cough means CVS texts me automatic refill notices for my Albuterol Inhaler. Artificial Intelligence will have to wait a
long time before that’s what I think of first when I hear AI.

I lost all my hair after my chemo
treatments last spring. It grew back in white and straight and after a few
weeks, I looked like Yahya Sinwar, the late Hamas leader who was in the news at
that time. As my hair grew in more, I thought I looked like a human cotton
swab. Now my hair has grown a lot and it’s curly. (It used to be straight.) My
current look is very Harpo Marx. I’ll get it trimmed back to cotton swab length
soon.

My husband and I never had
children, but we each have siblings, so we live vicariously through our nieces
and nephews. People talk about grandparents and great grandparents all the
time, but we seldom hear about grandaunts or great grandaunts. Grandaunt will
show up if you search the term, but almost no one uses it. I found this explanation
helpful. “Grand” indicates one generation away; “great” is added
to indicate generations beyond “grand.” Most of my nieces and nephews keep
things simple and just call me “Aunt E.”

I don’t understand the reasoning
behind the kerfuffle over football’s “Tush Push.” I have to do a tush push
every time I put on a pair of French cut underpants. And a major push trying to
get in and out of leotards. They should call that activity the “thigh pry.”

I’m
pretty much randomed out. I hope you’ve enjoyed musing along with me.

Elaine M. Decker’s books include Retirement
Downsizing—A Humorous Guide, Retirement Sparks, Retirement Sparks Again,
Retirement Sparks Redux and CANCER: A Coping Guide. Her essays appear in the
anthologies: 80 Things To Do When You Turn 80 and 70 Things To Do When You Turn
70. All are available on Amazon.com. Contact her at: emdecker@ix.netcom.com