Boundaries and Anger – retirementtransition

[ad_1]

I’m not sure if my current struggle with anger is due to being in emotional healing from the trauma of losing our home and most of our possessions or if it is something I’ve always struggled with. Maybe the current struggle is because my normal way to deal with anger is suppression…and suppression is definitely not working very well right now!

I’m struggling with anger day in and day out. My fuse is short. I continue to flash into a state of anger – over-reacting to other’s words or actions, or even when situations are not going as I hoped/planned. I succumb to angry tears. I yell. I want to curl up in a fetal position and hide. I want to hit something (but don’t). I have noticed I’ve even flashed into anger at myself because my reaction was, “I’m never good enough, nothing I do is right!”

My Good Girl persona has been taught that displays of anger are very bad. I’m not sure what my Wild Woman persona believes about anger as I’m just getting to know her. However, I read an article about anger that gave me pause:

Anger is not bad. Anger indicates that a personal boundary has been violated – a physical, emotional or energetic boundary – and my inner voice is saying, “I am not oaky with this”. Anger is a signal that something we’re experiencing or observing is misaligned with our values or how we want others to treat us or our fellow humans. A boundary has been crossed. But anger can also be a reaction to hide personal shame, fear, or grief.

My exploration on dealing with anger continued: It is okay to be angry! Allow your anger. Don’t talk yourself out of it, don’t suppress it. “I accept that I’m rightfully angry about this” is a great mantra I read ad am trying to use.

It is recommended to use the energy of the anger to make a change – to challenge and change a situation. To challenge and change a limiting belief. To articulate an unmet need. It’s not about lashing out in dysfunction, it’s not about who was right and who was wrong, it’s not about forgiving. Anger can help us set boundaries and assert our needs.

Another great phrase I found was, “Don’t bury your anger, process it.” So, when I flare in anger, how do I keep the flare up to not be dysfunctional – to not be yelling, crying, or simply suppressing it? Some other interesting insights I’m trying to work on to learn to process it:

Declare the rage by saying out loud or to myself, ‘I’m feeling really angry right now.’ Simply giving language to my internal experience should help regulate the nervous system and foster a sense of calm and balance.
- Identify where anger shows up in my body — be curious, be compassionate, and stay with the sensations and breathe. Breathe slowly and deeply.
It is perfectly OK to extract myself from the situation, perhaps by leaving the room, or ending the call. Removing myself to cool down and gather my thoughts is perfectly fine. I just need to make sure I re-loop to deal with it and not just suppress it!
Recognize that the event happening that is pushing me over the edge might not be the root cause of the anger. Is it a boundary being violated? Or is it triggering a limiting belief? Or is it a reaction to fear?
Strategize ways to think about and respond to triggering situations/words/actions. For me that might mean saying, “I felt angry (or frustrated) when you said XYZ to me because it felt like you weren’t acknowledging my experience/my competence/my efforts.”
Keep doing the self-care I need to balance and care for myself – the exercise, the creative outlets, the mental health therapy.