Humorous Divorce Quotes to Make You Smile

Our Favorite Humorous Divorce Quotes from Clients and Friends

Of course, divorcing is not a laughing matter, but humor can be helpful on occasion. I heard a quip attributed to Isla Fisher recently about her divorce from Sacha Baron Cohen that made me recall my blog post several years back of a collection of humorous divorce quotes from celebrities and comedians. So, I thought I would update it with Isla’s comment and repost those quotes.

You can thank my daughter-in-law, Bambi, for that original post if you like it. She and my son own Eclectic Essentials, a boutique now in West Milton. She called me on the phone and said, “A new customer came in the shop and told us he was redecorating his house after his divorce, and he loved our store.” She said the middle-aged man said to her “You know I found out that I am allergic to marriage.” She looked at him puzzled and he went on to say, “Yup. I always break-out in a nasty divorce!” She thought that as a divorce lawyer that I would like the story. She was right and it made me laugh!

That was the impetus to the theme of the original blog and my sharing some of the other interesting or humorous “divorce quotes” that I have enjoyed over my 40+ years as a divorce lawyer. I am sure I am showing my age because many readers will not even recognize some of the people quoted below.

But first, Isla Fisher joked about her divorce in a recent Instagram story that “Women realize that it’s not worth buying an entire pig to get a little sausage”. Certainly, one worth adding to my list below!

Without further ado, here they are once again, humorous divorce quotes and in no particular order…

1. “You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it.” – Willie Nelson
2. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
3. “I married Miss Right. I just didn’ know her first name was Always.” – Red Skelton
4. “There are things in my life that are hard to reconcile, like divorce. Sometimes it is very difficult to make sense of how it could possibly happen. Laying blame is so easy. I don’ have time for hate or negativity in my life. There is no time for it.” – Reese Witherspoon
5. “My husband and I have never considered divorce…murder sometimes, but never divorce.” – Joyce Brothers
6. “Marriages don’ last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” – Rita Rudner
7. “He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce, I keep the house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
8. “I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” – Bette Davis
9. “Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly.” – Dave Barry
10. “A divorce lawyer is a chameleon with a law book.” – Marvin Mitchelson
11. “I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.” – Woody Allen
12. “You can’ stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.” – Mike Tyson
13. “I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’ think something’s wrong with me.” – Elayne Boosler
14. “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.” – Oscar Wilde
15. “The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.” – Johnny Carson
16. “In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers.” – Garry Trudeau
17. “Ah, yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams
18. “Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.” – Joan Rivers
19. “Don’ have regrets. You can learn something from every experience.” – Ellen DeGeneres
20. “Success is its own reward, but failure is a great teacher too, and not to be feared.” – Sonia Sotomayor
21. “I wasn’ actually divorced. I was traded.” – Tim Conway
22. “When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.” – Rodney Dangerfield
23. “Divorce isn’ such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” – Jennifer Weiner
24. “The only grounds for divorce in California are marriage.” – Cher
25. “Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash.” – Rita Mae Brown
26. “You don’ know a woman till you’ve met her in court.” – Norman Mailer
27. “The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce.” – John Kenneth Galbraith
28. “A lot of people ask me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I’m about $100,000 short.” – Mickey Rooney
29. “Take this marriage thing seriously – it has to last all the way to the divorce.” – Roseanne Barr
30. “Our parents got divorced when we were kids, and it was kind of cool. We got to go to the divorce court with them. My mom won the house and the car. My dad got some luggage.” – Tom Arnold

I hope a few of these made you think a bit and hopefully smile or laugh. In any event, I had fun writing this blog. This was an enjoyable change of pace for me! Once again, thanks Bambi for the great blog idea! If these humorous divorce quotes brightened your day, remember that MuesLaw is here to guide you through the real, unfunny side of divorce.

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