Clever Put Downs for Braggarts

July Retirement Sparks

Certain put downs are great to use
against those who are known to be braggarts. Two of my favorites show up
regularly on TV. One is appropriate for putting a man in his place. The other
is good for insulting a woman. I’ve been on the lookout for more memorable
ones, but to no avail. So I’ve made up some of my own for this post. Usually I
like to save the best for last, but in the case I’m starting with the ones
you’ve probably already seen. They’re far better than my own.

Tell a man he’s all hat and no cattle
and you’ve really put him in his place. You’ve no doubt seen these wanna-be
ranchers with cowboy hats the size of Texas. Many of them don’t have any cattle
on their land, if they even have any land.

Roger Moore landed a well-placed
insult on a snooty woman in a Hallmark movie by telling her she was all fur
coat and no knickers. I just love that one! And you know it had to come from a
Brit!

That’s the end of the ones I found
on line. The rest are ones I made up.

Picking up on the hat and cattle
theme, tell a man he’s all Dan Post boots but no saddle. Dan Post boots have
been described as “the most comfortable experience in western footwear.” Or you
can upgrade your insult slightly by saying he’s got a tooled leather saddle but
no horse. In the same Western vein, say he wears a fringed suede jacket over
cotton boxer shorts. Now there’s a put down worth filing away.

You can insult older women by
telling them they have a hand-carved Mahjong board but no tiles. Or tell a younger
ballerina wannabe she’s all tutu and no ballet shoes. A woman of any age is
likely to brag about her recently acquired diamond engagement ring, telling
everyone it’s 4 carats. Research indicates that 2.5 carats is the usual maximum
to be had at retail these days. Then there’s the fact several years later that
the woman is all engagement ring and no wedding band. That makes a good insult.

Following on that theme, a bragging
woman of any age will gladly show off her Orbit baby stroller as she pushes it
around the neighborhood. But she never seems to have a baby in it. Telling her
she’s all buggy and no bambino is a perfect put down. That’s even better than
all fur coat and no knickers. Or all hat and no cattle. When she finally does
have a baby, you can be quite certain that the little one will be clad in
brands like Burberry and Hanna Andersson. Or at least that’s what the mother
will claim.

One brag that is often well hidden
is the Keurig K-Supreme coffee maker that has no pods in the owner’s home. She
spent the entire budget on the machine and had nothing left to buy supplies. So
when people visit they see the fancy machine but are never offered a cup of
coffee. Tell the host she’s an empty pot with nothing brewing.

Men of any age who golf will gladly
watch their automatic golf cart wheel itself around the course, even if they
don’t own a single golf club and have to rent them. All golf cart and no clubs
makes a great put down.

You can insult men and women of any
age if they wear a Rolex band on a Timex watch. This type of a braggart always
wears the face of the watch on the inside of his wrist where folks almost never
see it. So they assume the watch is also a Rolex and not just the band.

Women who want to seem young and
funky may prance around in baby doll PJs. They may be bragging about their
youthful figures or how much energy they have. No matter what, they are certain
to grab attention and very likely some put downs, too. Call them granny doll
pajamas for the ultimate insult.

Finally, some artistic and buff
folks have their upper bodies tattooed with full sleeves and more. I‘m not
really sure how to turn this into a put down. Perhaps tell them you love the
fit of their spandex top and wish you could pull it off with your body. Or
compliment their choice of ink and tats if you think they’ll get the satire.

Elaine
M. Decker’s books include Retirement Downsizing—A Humorous Guide, Retirement
Sparks, Retirement Sparks Again, Retirement Sparks Redux and CANCER: A Coping
Guide. Her essays appear in the anthologies: 80 Things To Do When You Turn 80
and 70 Things To Do When You Turn 70. All are available on Amazon.com. Contac