In 1995, Dave Pelzer published a book, “The Child Called It.” Mr. Pelzer describes the times when his mother would physically and emotionally abuse him between the ages of 4 and 12. His mother would starve him, stab him, burn his hands on a stove, and force him to eat his own vomit. Mr. Pelzer’s mother would also refer to him as “It” as a means of emotional abuse. The use of this objective pronoun stuck with Mr. Pelzer enough that he titled his book after the name that his own mother would use towards him.
In 2025, the Colorado State House approved the Kelly Loving Act, a bill that would classify “misgendering” as a form of harassment and discrimination. “Misgendering” would include calling a person by their previous name. The bill would bar schools from having gender specific dress codes and require schools to use transgender students’ preferred names if nicknames are permitted. The bill would also require courts to consider misgendering by a parent as a form of “coercive control” when determining child custody cases. The bill was sponsored in response to the Club Q shooting in Colorado Springs that occurred in November 2022.
Opponents contend that the bill is egregious by infringing on parental rights. The bill is absurd on its face for making misgendering a form of child abuse. Taking custody from a parent for that would be far too harsh and cruel. Instead, the bill’s opponents assert, children should be given help instead of affirming their beliefs.
Parental Rights in Medical Settings is Not Absolute
Parents have the legal responsibility to make medical decisions in the best interests of their minor children. Since most children lack decision-making capacity, parents are expected to do so for them.
However, parents have decision-making authority is contingent on doing what is in the best interests of their children. Some parental decisions have become controversial if a parent is making decisions based on something other than a child’s best interests, such as religious beliefs. A parental decision to withhold certain life-saving procedures, such as organ transplant, vacations, or blood transfusions, among other procedures, may actually endanger a child’s health and would be detrimental to a child’s best interest to stay alive.
There may also be cases where parents are not on the same page regarding their child’s care. One parent may want their child vaccinated and the other parent does not. Or one parent may consent to a blood transfusion but the other parent opposes it. If both parents share joint legal custody of a child, then both parents should consent before a medical procedure is given. If they can’t agree, the parents may seek court intervention.
Can Children Be Given Gender-Affirming Procedures without a Parent’s Consent?
Physicians will not perform gender-affirming surgeries on a minor even with a parent’s consent, especially since most states have banned such surgeries for minors. Surgeries may still be performed on a teenager in very rare instances, but these are typically given to save the patient’s life rather than because of gender-affirmation. For instance, breast reduction surgery may be necessary if a patient has early breast cancer.
Gender-affirming procedures that can be given to minors would include puberty blockers and hormone therapy, which are administered in the form of injections, patches, and pills. Puberty blockers delay puberty changes in boys and girls. Hormone therapy increases certain hormones without a person to promote changes based on the hormones induced. For instance, female hormone therapy may induce bodily changes closer to what women experience. Most states, including California, require parental consent before puberty blockers and hormone therapy can be applied.
Misgendering as a Form of Child Abuse
Misgendering occurs when a person refers to a person or use language to describe a person that doesn’t align with their gender. This may occur accidentally if a person doesn’t look a certain way. Some non-transgender men may look more feminine and some non-transgender women may look more masculine. People may accidentally call or refer to them by the other gender by mistake, but generally are quick to correct their errors.
On the other hand, some people may intentionally refer to a man as a woman or a woman as a man. This may occur as part of a larger pattern and practice of harassing a person. For instance, co-workers at a company who disprove of a woman wearing pants may use male pronouns to disparage that woman for not conforming to a gender stereotype. This is a form of gender discrimination, as this behavior is designed to intentionally bully and harass the target into conforming to a certain stereotype.
Misgendering is very common for transgender persons as it is commonly asserted that a person cannot or should not change their gender. Misgendering against transgender persons in the workplace is a form of gender discrimination as it reinforces and contributes to stereotypes that lead to a hostile work environment for both transgender persons as well as non-transgender people who don’t conform to stereotypes.
For parents and child custody cases, it becomes very complicated. It is assumed that a parent is acting in the best interests of a child. Most people would not consider it child abuse to encourage their son to be a man or to encourage their daughter to be a woman instead of affirming the opposite gender for their child.
Misgendering Should Be Considered a Potential Red Flag for Child Abuse
Removing child custody for misgendering alone would be a bridge too far. However, judges should be permitted to consider whether misgendering is part of a larger pattern and practice of abuse towards a child.
For instance, Dave Pelzer described abuse where he was not only physically abused, but also emotionally abused when his own mother referred to him by a demeaning pronoun. Although Mr. Pelzer has not described himself as transgender, the use of incorrect pronouns combined with other forms of abuse may be detrimental to a child’s mental health. A judge’s discretion in this matter would be appropriate to ensure that a child is safe from harm.
Do I Need an Attorney for My Child Custody Case?
If you are dealing with a current child custody case or are looking to file one, it is important to contact a skilled child custody attorney in your area to determine the next steps in the process. An attorney can represent you in court and suggest different options that would best benefit the child.
