Retirement Sparks: Cruise Ship Specialties

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When
most of you think of cruise ships, you probably imagine destination cruises to
places like Caribbean islands, Nordic fjords or European rivers. Today you’ll
learn about specialized cruises where the ship sails into international waters
and drops anchor. Each deck features a different activity; the cruisers sign up
in advance and usually stay on that deck for the duration of the cruise.

This
idea came to me after seeing an article in the New York Times revealing that some cruise ships now have jails and
morgues. Imagine sharing a cruise with a boatload of imprisoned felons. Or
exploring the ship and happening upon a door labeled “Morgue.” On the other
hand, selecting your trip based on some activity you love and being able to
spend a week doing it on the bounding main with others who also love it could
have strong appeal. Herewith
are my suggestions for specialty cruises.

There will of course be a deck dedicated to
yoga, but there will be no goats. Each type of yoga will have its own section
of the deck with mats color-coded so that participants don’t accidentally plop
their butts in the wrong section. Imagine if a kundalini adherent wound up on a
vinyasa mat!

The increasingly popular discipline
of wall climbing will also be represented. “Rock” placement will begin with an
easy section toward the stern of the ship and become increasingly more
difficult as the wall progresses toward the bow. Climbing shoes will be
available for rent for those who neglected to bring their own. And no, you
can’t show off by climbing barefoot.

An obvious deck will be one devoted to
Mahjong. Just imagine rows and rows of tables with perfectly coiffed ladies in
gold lamé dresses and sequined ballet slippers! A cruise made in heaven for
women who don’t know what deck their husbands are on and don’t care. The men,
on the other hand, may very well be on one of the upper decks enjoying the
cigar bar and perhaps visiting the tattoo parlor. The cigars won’t pollute the
rest of the decks; the smoke will waft out the portals and drift upward.

We expect the deck that is
dedicated to line dancing to be over-subscribed, so if that’s one that
interests you, be sure to book early. That will also enable you to request your
preferred dances. The Electric Slide and the Cowboy Cha Cha will be included
even if no one requests them. The Cupid Shuffle will help beginners get into
this predictable wedding activity. Rest assured you won’t be subjected to the
Macarena or the YMCA.

Not surprisingly, there will be a
deck dedicated to sun bathing. It will have normal cabins, but a considerable
portion will be open to the sky. A secluded section will be reserved for those
who want to stretch out in the altogether. In the evening this deck will
feature celestial navigation. That secluded section will still be available for
nude “relaxation.” If these turn out to be in demand, there will be a sign up
sheet for reservations. Please don’t use aliases for this sheet.

You might expect to find decks for
card games and board games but there won’t be. Those are far too pedestrian.
Not to mention how difficult it would be to decide which ones to include and
which ones to eliminate. So no poker; no bridge; no canasta; no checkers; no Monopoly;
no Clue. Likewise, you can forget jigsaw puzzles and book clubs. Also, we have
no interest in competing with other cruise lines, so we won’t have a casino or
a pickle ball court.

Our final deck is what I call the
participation deck. Cruisers who sign up plan either to participate in the
entertainment activity or to enthusiastically heckle the performers. This is a
shared deck. The stern hosts the stand-up comedy performances. Wannabe comics
test their chops here. The bow hosts the poetry slam, where aspiring poets try
out their own material. Hecklers can wander between the two areas.

Including the prison and morgue,
there will be nine decks on these specialty cruises. (The cigar bar and tattoo
parlor will share a deck.) You’ll have plenty of choices, but book your passage
early to be sure to get the deck with your favorite activity.

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