I woke up Wednesday, still dark outside from the time change, with the shard of an odd dream-thought about law firm risk. (Yes, you folks are always on my mind.) Having read a few stories about AI writing getting firms into trouble, it felt like the right time to invite a robot or two to flesh out the idea and write the first BRB spec script. Below, with your kind indulgence.
Firms with Hollywood clients, feel free to send them my way to work out a development deal. Firms with IP practices, just parody here!
[Dan B. will be back on Monday, with the normal updates. Be seeing you…]
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# SEVERANCE: LUMON LLP
## “CONFLICT CONVERSIONS”
FADE IN:
INT. LUMON LLP – MACRO RISK DATA REFINEMENT DEPARTMENT – MORNING
The stark white room with its symmetrical desks houses the MRDR team. MARK, DYLAN, IRVING, and HELLY are at their workstations, processing data on their ancient computers.
A CHIME sounds. The team looks up as MILCHICK enters, carrying a folder and smiling his professional smile.
**MILCHICK**
Good morning, everyone. It’s time for your quarterly review.
**DYLAN**
*(perking up)*
Is there a waffle party?
**MILCHICK**
That depends on your numbers, Dylan G.
Milchick walks to the center of the room and sets up a small projector.
**MILCHICK**
If I could have everyone gather around.
The team reluctantly leaves their desks and assembles in a semi-circle.
**HELLY**
What exactly are we reviewing?
**MILCHICK**
Your conflict clearance rate, Helly R. It’s the primary metric by which the MRDR team is evaluated.
The projector flickers on, displaying a colorful pie chart.
**MILCHICK**
As you can see, this quarter, your team has successfully processed 428 potential conflicts of interest.
He clicks to the next slide: a bar graph with rising columns.
**MILCHICK**
Of those 428 potential conflicts, you identified 217 that could be “converted” through severed attorney assignment.
**MARK**
*(hesitantly)*
Converted?
**MILCHICK**
Yes, Mark S. Matters that would typically require Lumon LLP to decline representation due to conflicts, but which we were able to accept thanks to our innovative use of severance technology.
**IRVING**
*(proudly)*
We’re protecting the firm’s integrity.
**HELLY**
*(under her breath)*
Or undermining it.
Milchick clicks to another slide showing a comparison between quarters.
**MILCHICK**
I’m pleased to announce that your conversion rate is up 12% from last quarter, which puts you in the top tier of all MRDR teams.
**DYLAN**
*(excitedly)*
So there IS a waffle party!
Milchick smiles and produces a small box from behind his back.
**MILCHICK**
Even better, Dylan G. The partners have authorized a special reward.
He opens the box to reveal five FINGER TRAPS made of expensive-looking metal.
**MILCHICK**
Titanium finger traps. Only four MRDR departments in Lumon history have earned these.
Dylan’s eyes widen with excitement. Helly looks skeptical.
**HELLY**
So we’re being rewarded for finding loopholes?
**MILCHICK**
*(smile hardening slightly)*
We’re rewarding efficiency, Helly R. These conflict clearances represent approximately $19,342,246.01 in billable hours that would otherwise be lost.
He hands out the finger traps. Dylan immediately puts his on both index fingers, grinning.
**MILCHICK**
And as an additional reward, tomorrow morning, there will indeed be a waffle party. With toppings.
**DYLAN**
Yes!
**MILCHICK**
Keep up the excellent work, team. Ms. Cobel is very pleased.
Milchick packs up and exits. The team returns to their desks, Dylan struggling with his trapped fingers.
**HELLY**
Does anyone else find this… wrong?
**IRVING**
What do you mean?
**HELLY**
I mean, conflicts of interest exist for a reason. Just because lawyers are severed doesn’t mean they’re not the same person.
**DYLAN**
*(working his fingers free)*
But they’re not, that’s the whole point. Their outies know one thing, their innies know another. No confidential information crosses over.
**MARK**
It does seem like we’re helping the firm… be more efficient.
**HELLY**
Or helping them cheat.
CUT TO:
INT. LUMON LLP – RESTROOM – LATER
Irving is washing his hands methodically, counting under his breath as he always does. He glances up at the mirror and freezes.
In the reflection, he sees words written in what appears to be graphite from a pencil, barely visible unless caught in the right light: “YOU USED TO FIGHT AGAINST THIS.”
Irving stares, confused. He reaches out to touch the writing, and it smudges slightly under his finger.
CUT TO:
INT. LUMON LLP – MRDR DEPARTMENT – EVENING
The team is preparing to leave for the day. Irving lingers at his desk, searching through his drawers.
**MARK**
Everything okay, Irv?
**IRVING**
Yes, just… making sure everything is in order.
After the others leave, Irving carefully pulls out a file he’s hidden beneath his desk pad. Inside are notes he’s been making about his strange experiences and memories.
He adds a new entry: “Restroom mirror message. What did I fight against?”
As he writes, he notices something about his handwriting. He pulls out older notes and compares them. Then he flips through them and finds a note from weeks ago that he doesn’t remember writing: “Before severance, I was an ethics attorney. Specializing in conflicts of interest. Remember who you were.”
Irving stares at the note, his hand shaking.
CUT TO:
EXT. IRVING’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
OUTIE IRVING sits at his desk, surrounded by legal textbooks and papers. He’s methodically writing on a small notepad, pressing hard to make sure the indentations go through multiple pages.
We see the title of one book: “Legal Ethics and the Future of Attorney Severance” by I. B. Petersen -— himself.
Outie Irving tears off the top sheet of the notepad, crumples it, and burns it in an ashtray. The next page, with its impressed message, remains: “YOU USED TO FIGHT AGAINST THIS.”
He carefully tucks the notepad into his work bag.
FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE
